You Know It's Over When...

May 15th and 21st are significant days in my life, and bring forth a mixture of happiness and great sadness. You see, I was married on both these days. Let me explain:

The legal part of my wedding took place in in Vancouver, Canada on May 15, 2009. It was a day that was just supposed to be about saying a few legally bound words and signing documents in front of a licensed Celebrant.   

But it turned magical when my dad and grandma flew in to take part. A small group of close family and friends (even a couple of my co-worker buddies skipped work just for us) met at the Inukshuk at English Bay to bare witness. 

I have to admit in many ways it was the more special of my two weddings. Only because it was the first time I looked into her eyes and said "I Do". 

 And then I cried like a little baby as my wife gently wiped each tear from the corner of my eye. 

My sister, her then boyfriend, and my mom flew in to celebrate with us that night. It was the perfect day.

 

May 21, 2009 was our wedding in Thailand. We both had "done it all before" so we were extremely relaxed. 

On the day, she sipped champagne at our villa, while I sat back with a beer by the pool reading a book. 

 My mom, in-laws, and friends worked tirelessly throughout the day preparing the beach altar, organizing dinner... (my current flatmate Elliot carved an amazing sand tribute for us in the pouring rain under the direction of my Mother-in-Law). 

 As sunset drew near the rain stopped, our family and friends gathered and we said our vows in front of a Thai priest who spoke little English. 

  We were then surprised with a few lanterns, releasing them into the night sky over paradise. One flame even looked like a heart. Oooohh, romantic.

And fireworks! Not just your corner store fireworks. But full scale, holy shit, fireworks. All the hotel guests came out to watch and cheer. I think we should have charged them to get some of our money back for the trip overseas.

 

I managed not to cry that day, but was overjoyed with the gathering of family and friends from all over the world.

That being said, even in our wedding bliss, there were signs that it wasn't going to last. 

Here are my top ten signs it ain't gonna work:

1)    You argue every vacation

2)    You fight more than you laugh

3)    The tree you plant on the beach on your wedding day gets swept away by a wave as you're planting it.

 4)    You tell her the song 'Collide' by Howie Day is "our song"

5)    The male and female cats you each brought into the relationship never did learn to along

6)    Her happiest times with you are when your both too busy to hang

7)    You debate whether it's been 3 or 6 months since the "last time"

8)    You have an argument on your wedding night

9)    She tells you she doesn't respect you

10) When you start running out of excuses to make it work

All that being said there are hundreds, if not thousands, of things I will miss about this amazing woman.

Here are a mere ten:

1)    Her laugh

2)    Her "Upper Australian" accent

3)    The way she danced when she didn't think anyone was paying attention

4)    Falling asleep on my lap whilst my legs fell asleep

5)    Being able to be my 'real' self around her (or perhaps that was my downfall - haha)

6)    Our future dreams, our future children

7)    The walks to, and Sunday breakfasts

8)    Waking up next to her

9)    Her belief in the goodness of others

10) Her lips

Do I think I could have changed anything? Perhaps. I made some REALLY stupid mistakes. 

Would I do it all over with her again even knowing it wouldn't last. HELL YEAH! 

Although we had some terrible times, and a tragic end, I learned so much about myself. My likes, my dislikes, my limitations. 

One minute with her at our best, shadowed the months of us at our worst. 

My only regret? Other than us not working out, it would have to be not taking that dance class together. She was oh so beautiful when she danced. 

So since we're still legally married, and if by some far off chance she's reading this,

 Happy Anniversary.

Love always,

Jimmy

Moving On - Paying it Forward

As most of my regular readers know I've recently separated from my wife and am now in a foreign country trying to find purpose. I've received many a word of advice and encouragement.  Since it's International Pay It Forward Day, I thought I would share some wisdom I've received via email, Facebook, texts...with those of you jumping, or tripping over, your own relationship hurdles.   

Here are a few (but definitely not all) that have helped my journey forward:

I'll finish off with a quote I posted on Facebook a couple weeks back that puts some of my perceived shortcomings into perspective: 

 Stay Classy,

Jimmy

The Keys to a Successful Business

The other morning I walked up to the counter of the coffee shop* I always stop at before work. The Barista** offered me a complimentary coffee, and then gave me a card which offers a free coffee every eighth cup purchased. The service there has always been mediocre, but the chairs are super comfortable and great for reading. Frankly I didn't think they noticed me as a regular customer until today. I have now become loyal to the establishment. Which brings me to the keys of a successful business.

Consistency and Spontaneity

I know they seem like opposing ideas, but combined these two ingredients make up the perfect recipe for good business. Let me explain.

When you get a haircut*** at a salon what are your expectations? Most the time you expect your stylist to interact with you in the same way as the last visit, to cut your hair the same way as last time (unless you request something different of course). Basically you want the same level of service, and the same person, each and every time you enter the salon. Now, most people will accept a variance to this guideline at least one out of every twenty visits (not a scientifically accurate calculation). But, what happens if your usual stylist is absent on multiple occasions, even though you booked an appointment with them? The salon receptionist then tells you a different stylist will be cutting your hair. Same friendly service, same great cut. But it's just not the same is it?
Or, your stylist offers you a coffee during the first few visits and then suddenly stops offering? Or, your stylist suddenly gives you bangs when you were so happy with the bowl cut you were getting for months.

(I call this the Dumb and Dumber cut, believe it or not I thought it looked good at the time {1990's}. George Clooney had something similar, but less bowl-ee) 


I know these things sound trivial, but most people are not conditioned for these variances.

Now, let's say you have been going to the same stylist for five years. Let's name her Samantha (I prefer female stylists, in case some of you are wondering about my choice of gender - I get too much satisfaction from a hair wash to allow another man's meaty hands touching my scalp) You've developed a pretty close relationship Samantha, bordering on friendship. Great, consistent, service and amazing haircuts. But every few months, out of the blue, Samantha gives you a free container of hair gel, or says "try this shampoo out for me". Would your loyalty to that stylist and salon go up a notch?

Like in all good relationships consistency can turn into boredom. Throw in a little spontaneous gesture now and then and that customer relationship could turn into lifelong loyalty, and a string of recommendations.


end notes:

* in case you're on the Gold Coast and want mediocre, but consistent, service and a nice cup of coffee, check out Gourmet Espresso in the Pacific Fair shopping centre. They may just surprise you. Look for me between 9:45 and 10:30am in one of the comfy chairs reading on my iPad.
- authors note: since originally starting this article the service at said coffee shop has gotten much better. Or perhaps I'm fooling myself into believing it ever since my free cup of coffee.


** did you know Barista is Italian for someone who works behind the bar (aka bartender)? So, the next time you're at your local pub, keep referring to the bartender as a Barista. Be wary of the surly ones though. You may discover extra, flemy, ingredients in your drink.


*** the idea of consistency in relation to haircuts was explained way better in Malcolm Gladwell's book 'The Tipping Point'.

All Work and No Play...

It's been awhile since I wrote in this blog. I've been so busy living that I forgot that I wanted my living to be about being creative. Hence, starting this blog.

Let's catch up:

Still crashing at my surfer/pool shop entrepreneur friend Elliot's place. I tried giving him money for rent the other day, but he refused. He's like that, generous bastard!
So I bought him a hands free mobile device for his van.

The same van I seem to be using everyday. Did I really buy the device for him or me? Trust me, it was for Elliot. Until two weeks ago he didn't have one song on his iPhone. He didn't know how to transfer it. So I am doing my mate a service by making life easier. That is, when he eventually gets to drive his van again.

I finally landed a job. My mission is to stay on the Gold Coast. Unfortunately there aren't many opportunities for someone with my TV expertise. So in order to stay on the coast I applied for a couple practical, and a few "I have no experience in it, but what the hell" jobs. After losing out on a couple 'fun' positions (Sales and Development rep for a beer brewing company, and Digital Manager for Gold Coast Tourism) I landed a combination of both. I have now joined a cult of sorts. The Cult of Mac. I am selling and giving technical advice at an Apple Reseller called Next Byte. At first I wasn't too enthused (pay not what I want), looking at it as a temporary gig before I found something better. But I'm really starting to like it. Talking about Apple products all day is something I think is fun (Yes, I Am A Geek). 

                                           (not actually me ;)


And, let's just say I'm learning a lot about the inner workings of Macs by some people that are much smarter. That fills in the no 'real work' experience portion of my job find. Not that I was a slouch on a computer prior. But, I now know the difference between an i5 and an i7 processor, can change the ram and hard drives on most laptop and desktop computers, and can sell the shit out of an Apple TV.


I still can't surf well. Surfing is HARD. I'm not a strong swimmer. The left rib I popped out years ago jams into the board when I'm paddling out, making the ride very uncomfortable. I can't seem to get past the surging white water to the calm ocean five meters away. The rip drags me half a kilometer north. And there have been an ever increasing amount of shark sightings along the coast. A guy was bit a week ago.

 The cool thing is he was riding one of my friend Kane's KB boards at the time and they showed it on channel Nine here in Australia. Even sharks love KB boards. (I'm building Kane's website for him, there will be a rough version up by the end of the week - check out www.nightmareshapes.com )

I have cut Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu out for a bit. I've temporarily lost that aggressive edge and feel like a white belt on the mats. I'm going to focus on getting my body back in shape (yoga, pilates, circuit training), meditating, and perhaps stop focusing so much on myself and do some volunteering. 

 

That been said, I spent the weekend, with a cold, drinking, eating crappy food, and haven't done a lick of exercise.

I'm trying to relearn how to be attractive to the opposite sex again. I got complacent when I was married* (See below for note). And some of my mannerisms and attitudes don't play so well on the Gold Coast social scene. Let's face it, I'm kinda weird. 
My goal is to shadow my friend Cuzzy (real name Shane).


He has an ease and naturalness about him that women gravitate to. I start talking to them, but they seem to always end up with Cuzzy. I think they just dig his eyes (according to ladies I've spoken to), and his little pit puppy name Sonny. Friggin' Kiwis!







Honestly I think he's a 'Woman Whisperer'.

        Take these photos from last night as an example: (location Tonic in Labrador, QLD)

*side note:

* "when I was married". How do you refer to someone who you're still married to but separated? She's still technically my wife, but when trying to move on in life it produces a few obstacles. Conversing with women saying "my wife lives in Far North Queensland" may be a little off putting. I know, I know. Just don't mention I'm separated. Well, you give me a good answer to "How long are you staying in Australia?" ..."Oh, how did you get Permanent Residency?". Keep in mind I am having trouble lying as of late. I'm kind of hoping my life life turns out like the movie 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'. Except I'd like to skip right to the end. Well, perhaps I'd still keep that sexual montage (minus the crying scene).

Next blog: how I got the finger from a topless woman
Future blog: Gold Coast lifestyle observations aka 'No Shoes, No Shirt = Service'


Live your dream,

 

Jimmy

The Kony Dilemma

Lately I've been obsessed with literature on gaining rapport and psychological persuasion (Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Robert B. Cialdini). Trying to better myself for upcoming employment, and right my past communication wrongs.
And so, I thought I was smart enough not to get caught up in "psychological jujitsu" (def: verbal and emotional trickery sales people use when they are trying to persuade you to purchase their wares.)

Boy was I wrong!


Hook, line and sinker.















Last night, while eating vegetarian food from a local Hari Krishna restaurant (delicious by the way), some friends and I watched a 27 minute documentary about the atrocities performed by Ugandan LRA warlord Joseph Kony and his army of kidnapped child soldiers and female sex slaves.



KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

It was presented on a legitimate Australian news program in its entirety. Subconsciously I was already falling into the 'sale' ('Directed Deference' - "News programs vet all content, don't they?" - Wrong!).


FYI: Many 'News' programs sensationalize and use persuasion tactics in promos and in their newscasts all the time to capture, and keep, an audience.

Kony 2012 started out stating their was a deadline of December 31, 2012 to take action (Red Flag).

It then used clips from Ugandan survivors, celebrities, and people "just like you and me" ('Social Proof' - Red Flag). The filmmakers brilliantly used the 'Good vs Evil' theme, allowing the innocence of a child to explain Kony is bad and needs to be captured.

At the end of the doc the narrator called people to action, laying out steps to follow (red flag).

So what did I, this newly educated man on the effects of Psychological Influence, do at the end of the credits? That's right, I blindly jumped onto their website www.kony2012.com, signed the petition, donated $20, purchased a bracelet and t-shirt AND paid $20 for international shipping.

Aside: As a professional film editor, who has cut and produced a touching video or two, I must say Kony 2012 is quite the masterpiece. Great pace, a rollercoaster of emotion, stirring imagery... I challenge you to watch the documentary and walk away unmoved.



After donating money I don't have (I'm currently jobless - I like to call it an extended vacation unsupported by the monetary system) I THEN did some research on Kony 2012/Invisible Children. What I found was a lot of criticism.

Articles stating that only about 32% of the donated monies actually go to ground efforts in Uganda.


"...echoes of Colonialism...",


 "...the campaign oversimplifies the issue..."


"encouraging vigilanteeism...".

Some of the articles emphasize that the documentary understates the efforts already going on in Africa, and paints the Ugandans as powerless, in need of outside help from "white saviors".

The truth is, and I do feel guilty of this, I never even heard of Joseph Kony prior to this documentary. Sure, perhaps the docs producers did oversimplify the issue and have made some mistakes along the way (see photo holding guns).

But isn't this more of a 'War on Terror' than the gulf oil fiasco was? Kony is raping and committing genocide just to stay in power, spreading his extreme religious ideology. There's a reason he hasn't been stopped sooner. There's no money in it for business and government.


Perhaps these guys are making some cash off this. I'd rather pay my money to them, helping to make over 50 million people aware of Kony's atrocities, than have mega corporations pad the pockets of some politician in order to get first dibs on oil reserves.

The filmmaker's goal is to make Kony famous. It's working via a simplified message, using social media as a weapon and "psychological jujitsu" as a motivator. I think it's working, and I plan to help.

Or perhaps I've fallen under the spell of another 'influence' technique called the "consistency principle". Basically, it theorizes that once a person makes a decision to do something, and people know about that decision, they are more inclined to defend that something, even though it may have been the wrong choice.

Alas, I made a choice and I'm sticking to it. I can skip a couple coffees and takeaway lunches to make up the difference.

I think I liked my life much better when I was ignorant to the tricks of psychological persuasion.

























Here are a few links to a pro and anti-Kony 2012 articles:

Kony2012 website
Child Defends Film
Detailed Article by the Guardian
Are You A Skeptic?
Producers Motives Questioned

 You decide.

Jimmy