Get Your Own Stool!

I know a great man. Handsome, charismatic, and highly intelligent. Years ago he met a beautiful, charismatic, highly intelligent woman and they married. They were as close to being the perfect couple as I could imagine.

Now, I am smart enough to know that you should never put people on a pedestal. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses. But when I saw how this couple interacted, I couldn't help but put them on the smallest of pedestals. I'd like to think of it as more of a stepping stool. You know, the kind you buy at those big box stores that you use to get the special occasion plates off the top cupboard shelf. See, not a pedestal, a 'stepping stool'.

I used to say to my wife, perhaps a little more subtle than this: "Why can't we agree to disagree like them", or "They are always so supportive of each other, we should try to be more like them". My wife would respond in an 'unsupportive manner', and definitely 'agreed to disagree', stating "they are not perfect, stop putting them on a pedestal". I would smile and succumb to her common sense. She was right of course.

But I still secretly wondered what their secret was.

At the end of 2011 my flawed marriage to the woman, who still takes part in many of my dreams, came to an end. My 'highly intelligent' friend wrote me some wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement that help me get over the humps of sadness I sometimes still feel today. Those words, further solidified my respect and our lifelong friendship.

I received an email from him the other day. The first paragraph was
penned with positivity and good humour. I smiled as I always do when I speak to, or read an email from him.
Moving onto the second paragraph I welled with tears, felt my heart stop, and struggled to catch my breath.
The great, handsome, charismatic, and highly intelligent man and his beautiful, charismatic, highly intelligent wife had separated. I read the email once over, but the tears in my eyes and the confusion in my soul kept me from focussing on the words. So I took a minute, a breath, and shook away the disbelief. I read the email over once more.
My friend, who I had placed on a 'stepping stool' was separated. The couple who could do no wrong in my eyes was no more. My hopes for finding a relationship like theirs was dashed. I lost faith in love.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, I'm smart enough to know better. These thoughts lasted all about ninety seconds before I reined myself back to reality. Through the fourteen months I've been separated I've spoken to, got emails from, and had other well respected friends experience this type of loss. I know all too well that, most of the time, theses circumstances are not personal. And not caused by one particular person. Life happens. People move on. Some move forward. Some keep trying to hold to the past. The spark extinguishes. The flame of passion recedes. But life always moves forward. As hard as it is to explain why we fall in love with one particular person, it's just as difficult to comprehend why we fall out of love with that same person.

My 'great' friend will still be great and his attributes won't falter. If he chooses to love again, he will only attract the best and brightest. Perhaps that spark will reignite. I certainly hope so.
But I can't predict the future. And no matter how much I want to see my friend or myself happy for that matter, life has to take its course.

That being said -

I now know to stop judging myself by other people's 'stepping stools'. It's time to get my own. Everything I have ever wanted is attainable. I just have to go into the closet, and pull out my own 'industrial strength, multi-level, kick-ass, stepping stool'. One that has been built stronger from life and love's lessons. I need to reach for items that make my life a 'special occasion' and contribute to building upon the real me.

In case you're wondering what my stepping stool looks like. Too bad. Not gonna show you. It means you haven't truly read the words on this page. Take a moment, a breath, and shake away your disbelief.

And -

Build your own goddam stepping stool!



Keep reaching, but always stay true to the 'great' in you your own life.

All the best,

Jimmy


I wrote this a few days ago and for whatever reason have just posted it now. Many life impacting events have happened in that time. With that being said, I must say that it's all about perspective:

Over the weekend a friend's father was hit by a car while on vacation in the Cayman Islands. He was medivac'd to the US in serious condition.

This terrible event has given me clarity in regards to my views on love/marriage/life.
The loss of a relationship is incomparable to the loss of a life.
Take stock of those that have an impact in your life, and increase your value to those people who you should be impacting.

Twelve Months of Separation

And so it is. 

Today marks one year since my wife and I separated. Twelve months, three hundred and sixty five days. 

That's a lot of time to contemplate and heal. 

I've lost a lot in the past year 

(a wife, shitloads of money, my cat Sebastian...)

But I've also gained a new perspective on life. I now have the ability to appreciate the little things, the day by day things. 

I've shed my share of tears, and at times when discussing or thinking about my past relationship, I have to catch my breath and bite my cheek in attempt not to shed more.

I miss her daily. But more for the little things now. Those things I fell in love with that made all the bad things happening toward the end seem worth the pain. But sadly, a relationship isn't made up of just little things. Somewhere she lost respect, unconditional love, and patience with me. I could blame it on the depression or her being bipolar, but in the end it doesn't really matter. I lost my wife, the person I fell in love with. All I can hope in the future is that , perhaps, she will feel that I was the one she let get away. 

Selfish, I know. That's what I get for being a romantic, and watching the movie Love Actually once a year. (I blame my upbringing without a father figure until I got older). 

I definitely have baggage. And although my suitcase is a little worn and torn, the contents are intact. Thanks to my last journey I now know how to pack. So the next time I take a trip down the road of love, the baggage will contain enough content for vacation, business and emergency. And perhaps a bottle of Clamato. I so miss drinking Caesars. 

I honestly don't know what I want at the moment. Love, sex, more money, sex on top of a bed of money... But I'm okay with not having any of those things. I have great friends in two countries, family I've never felt closer to, a stress free job, and residence in what I believe is a little bit of paradise. 

Of all the wonderful words of support and advice I received from friends and total strangers, one stood out from the rest, because it sums up my emotional state and optimistic outlook, and I'm hoping my journey leads to a comparable, wonderful, life that this person now lives:

"I thought my life was over in terms of finding love again. I had heard divorced men talk of finding love again, and it always came across like they were fooling themselves, that they had settled for a moderated form of happiness that they would think back on ruefully at their death bed.

But I had an irrational faith in myself (thank god!) and my gifts and had this feeling that I'd find love again. I didn't know how, but I did know it would involve NOT SETTLING EVER.

Since the divorce, I've dated several women, making mistakes with all of them, being a douche and receiving douchiness. But even at the time, I knew it was all preparation and training for THE ONE who would come (if I was lucky enough to be available when we would meet). You know how before you were a black belt, a part of you was wondering how different would it be from your purple belt? (Yes, this is a stupid analogy, but bear with me.) But once you got it, all that hard work and dedication to ONE VISION suddenly coalesced into a strong sense of who you had become.

I've found relationships with women to be that way. I kept dating, dating, while working on myself and putting one thing ahead of everything else: my own happiness, for that is the only thing under my own control.

Then, one day five years ago, my best friend introduced me to (*****). The rest is history. Not guaranteeing it will last, since there are no guarantees, but we're both pretty confident that it will. It took patience and work and dedication to our vision, but we've never been happier. And this is true when I say this is way better than I had ever envisioned for myself. I've done nothing to deserve it, yet here it is: happiness.

You have so many gifts and so many options and so many people who love you. You know all this. I'm sure of it. But from what I recall, there will be several nights when sadness and regret will come raining down on you like a sack of bricks and you'll cry like a baby. Many nights. And it's necessary.

You're going to thank your lucky stars for all of this suffering many years from now.

And, if the case is that you and ****** are, indeed, working this all out to keep trying, well, fuck me."

I am the King of my Destiny. 

And so it is.

Jimmy

You Know It's Over When...

May 15th and 21st are significant days in my life, and bring forth a mixture of happiness and great sadness. You see, I was married on both these days. Let me explain:

The legal part of my wedding took place in in Vancouver, Canada on May 15, 2009. It was a day that was just supposed to be about saying a few legally bound words and signing documents in front of a licensed Celebrant.   

But it turned magical when my dad and grandma flew in to take part. A small group of close family and friends (even a couple of my co-worker buddies skipped work just for us) met at the Inukshuk at English Bay to bare witness. 

I have to admit in many ways it was the more special of my two weddings. Only because it was the first time I looked into her eyes and said "I Do". 

 And then I cried like a little baby as my wife gently wiped each tear from the corner of my eye. 

My sister, her then boyfriend, and my mom flew in to celebrate with us that night. It was the perfect day.

 

May 21, 2009 was our wedding in Thailand. We both had "done it all before" so we were extremely relaxed. 

On the day, she sipped champagne at our villa, while I sat back with a beer by the pool reading a book. 

 My mom, in-laws, and friends worked tirelessly throughout the day preparing the beach altar, organizing dinner... (my current flatmate Elliot carved an amazing sand tribute for us in the pouring rain under the direction of my Mother-in-Law). 

 As sunset drew near the rain stopped, our family and friends gathered and we said our vows in front of a Thai priest who spoke little English. 

  We were then surprised with a few lanterns, releasing them into the night sky over paradise. One flame even looked like a heart. Oooohh, romantic.

And fireworks! Not just your corner store fireworks. But full scale, holy shit, fireworks. All the hotel guests came out to watch and cheer. I think we should have charged them to get some of our money back for the trip overseas.

 

I managed not to cry that day, but was overjoyed with the gathering of family and friends from all over the world.

That being said, even in our wedding bliss, there were signs that it wasn't going to last. 

Here are my top ten signs it ain't gonna work:

1)    You argue every vacation

2)    You fight more than you laugh

3)    The tree you plant on the beach on your wedding day gets swept away by a wave as you're planting it.

 4)    You tell her the song 'Collide' by Howie Day is "our song"

5)    The male and female cats you each brought into the relationship never did learn to along

6)    Her happiest times with you are when your both too busy to hang

7)    You debate whether it's been 3 or 6 months since the "last time"

8)    You have an argument on your wedding night

9)    She tells you she doesn't respect you

10) When you start running out of excuses to make it work

All that being said there are hundreds, if not thousands, of things I will miss about this amazing woman.

Here are a mere ten:

1)    Her laugh

2)    Her "Upper Australian" accent

3)    The way she danced when she didn't think anyone was paying attention

4)    Falling asleep on my lap whilst my legs fell asleep

5)    Being able to be my 'real' self around her (or perhaps that was my downfall - haha)

6)    Our future dreams, our future children

7)    The walks to, and Sunday breakfasts

8)    Waking up next to her

9)    Her belief in the goodness of others

10) Her lips

Do I think I could have changed anything? Perhaps. I made some REALLY stupid mistakes. 

Would I do it all over with her again even knowing it wouldn't last. HELL YEAH! 

Although we had some terrible times, and a tragic end, I learned so much about myself. My likes, my dislikes, my limitations. 

One minute with her at our best, shadowed the months of us at our worst. 

My only regret? Other than us not working out, it would have to be not taking that dance class together. She was oh so beautiful when she danced. 

So since we're still legally married, and if by some far off chance she's reading this,

 Happy Anniversary.

Love always,

Jimmy