Get Your Own Stool!

I know a great man. Handsome, charismatic, and highly intelligent. Years ago he met a beautiful, charismatic, highly intelligent woman and they married. They were as close to being the perfect couple as I could imagine.

Now, I am smart enough to know that you should never put people on a pedestal. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses. But when I saw how this couple interacted, I couldn't help but put them on the smallest of pedestals. I'd like to think of it as more of a stepping stool. You know, the kind you buy at those big box stores that you use to get the special occasion plates off the top cupboard shelf. See, not a pedestal, a 'stepping stool'.

I used to say to my wife, perhaps a little more subtle than this: "Why can't we agree to disagree like them", or "They are always so supportive of each other, we should try to be more like them". My wife would respond in an 'unsupportive manner', and definitely 'agreed to disagree', stating "they are not perfect, stop putting them on a pedestal". I would smile and succumb to her common sense. She was right of course.

But I still secretly wondered what their secret was.

At the end of 2011 my flawed marriage to the woman, who still takes part in many of my dreams, came to an end. My 'highly intelligent' friend wrote me some wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement that help me get over the humps of sadness I sometimes still feel today. Those words, further solidified my respect and our lifelong friendship.

I received an email from him the other day. The first paragraph was
penned with positivity and good humour. I smiled as I always do when I speak to, or read an email from him.
Moving onto the second paragraph I welled with tears, felt my heart stop, and struggled to catch my breath.
The great, handsome, charismatic, and highly intelligent man and his beautiful, charismatic, highly intelligent wife had separated. I read the email once over, but the tears in my eyes and the confusion in my soul kept me from focussing on the words. So I took a minute, a breath, and shook away the disbelief. I read the email over once more.
My friend, who I had placed on a 'stepping stool' was separated. The couple who could do no wrong in my eyes was no more. My hopes for finding a relationship like theirs was dashed. I lost faith in love.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, I'm smart enough to know better. These thoughts lasted all about ninety seconds before I reined myself back to reality. Through the fourteen months I've been separated I've spoken to, got emails from, and had other well respected friends experience this type of loss. I know all too well that, most of the time, theses circumstances are not personal. And not caused by one particular person. Life happens. People move on. Some move forward. Some keep trying to hold to the past. The spark extinguishes. The flame of passion recedes. But life always moves forward. As hard as it is to explain why we fall in love with one particular person, it's just as difficult to comprehend why we fall out of love with that same person.

My 'great' friend will still be great and his attributes won't falter. If he chooses to love again, he will only attract the best and brightest. Perhaps that spark will reignite. I certainly hope so.
But I can't predict the future. And no matter how much I want to see my friend or myself happy for that matter, life has to take its course.

That being said -

I now know to stop judging myself by other people's 'stepping stools'. It's time to get my own. Everything I have ever wanted is attainable. I just have to go into the closet, and pull out my own 'industrial strength, multi-level, kick-ass, stepping stool'. One that has been built stronger from life and love's lessons. I need to reach for items that make my life a 'special occasion' and contribute to building upon the real me.

In case you're wondering what my stepping stool looks like. Too bad. Not gonna show you. It means you haven't truly read the words on this page. Take a moment, a breath, and shake away your disbelief.

And -

Build your own goddam stepping stool!



Keep reaching, but always stay true to the 'great' in you your own life.

All the best,

Jimmy


I wrote this a few days ago and for whatever reason have just posted it now. Many life impacting events have happened in that time. With that being said, I must say that it's all about perspective:

Over the weekend a friend's father was hit by a car while on vacation in the Cayman Islands. He was medivac'd to the US in serious condition.

This terrible event has given me clarity in regards to my views on love/marriage/life.
The loss of a relationship is incomparable to the loss of a life.
Take stock of those that have an impact in your life, and increase your value to those people who you should be impacting.

My Perspective on Perception

per·cep·tion/pərˈsepSHən/

Noun:

The ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses. The state of being or process of becoming aware of something in such a way

Isn't it interesting how we perceive external stimuli differently depending on the mood or the current state of life we're in?

Take for example: Oh let's say, Subject A moves to a foreign country with his wife, only to have his marriage and life fall to pieces around him.

Okay you guessed it. I'm Subject A (Feeling more like Subject F at the moment). 

 The point is, everything I do and almost every piece of stimuli seems to take on a new, deeper, meaning.  The surfing lesson I wrote about the other day could easily become a metaphor for love and marriage. In fact, I spent an hour yesterday writing about their similarities. I've decided not to share it, because frankly, it came off a little cheeseball. but here are a couple highlights:

...I had no clue how to get up on the board. I lay on it shaking from side to side, the deep, churning water threatening to pull me under. But I knew the reward far outweighed the fear and risk... 

...But, no longer able to keep balance, I plummeted head first into the murky waters. Struggling to reach the surface, I knew, I hoped, was there...

 

...In my heart I wanted so bad to go back for the board. But looking at it from a distance I realized the board was not meant for these seas. Cracked and warped, it would never glide across the waves the same again...

-  See what I mean. CHEESEBALL. 

But in writing that 'fromage' I started to gain some perspective, and a control, over my perception. 

Instead of looking at everything as a sad sign of 'love lost'. I am going to look at everything as a sign of 'life gained'. 

Here's a great poem I saw on the cafe I was sitting in yesterday. I think I'll follow its advice:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

  

Be Good To Yourself,

Jimmy